Thursday, April 8, 2010
The quiet moments
In quiet moments I remember just how it felt to be powerless and small. I can feel lost and alone. I find it hard not to sink in to a hole a self doubt. I have to remind my self that I am stronger then my memories and stronger then the acts perpetrated on me by my abuser. I have to move past the moment and pull myself back to the hear and now. I sometimes remember his smell or his breathing. It is like a movie in my head and my body goes on ride. My senses are overloaded and my instinct is to shut down. That is what is hard for me. I Know I am safe and loved and yet fear can push up it's ugly head at any time. My inner self screams. "This is not real snap out of it!" It is like some distant whisper at first and then a scream that pulls at me until my frozen body reanimates and I can once again feel my surroundings. The whole thing may only last a few moments but it feels like a life time.I have been fighting those moments all my life. I feel every time they rob me of being present in moment. They make me feel victimized all over again. I know it happens for some reason. Maybe it is so I will never forget that I survived. Maybe I am supposed to use it to help others. I am not sure. I just think if I did not need it in some way those moments would be over. I know from every thing we must learn lessons. I stumble to get this lesson behind me, but, I will someday.I look at others and wonder what there quiet moments are like.Are they peeling there emotional onion and crying from the smell of it only to find it's healing properties? I wonder what normal people do in those quiet moments?I wonder if there are "normal" people! I read that 37 million Americans were sexually abused in 2009. The number staggered me! Is the world in such a bad state that we allow this? Are we as a people allowing this? Do we look away from harsh things to not be involved. Are our children disposable, usable like everything else. Is control in such high demand that it has to be taken over the helpless and weak? I have studied sexual predators and tried to figure them out. I have known children who where abused and then became abusers. The chain of sickness one link at a time. The damage on the mind of a child last a life time. If I got in a car accident and lost my legs I would learn to use a wheelchair, I would be hard, I would be fine. If I lost an arm...I would be fine, prosthesis is available. But damage my soul, my mind... well, that is a life long uphill battle.I know a battle it every day. I never forget not one thing, not one moment! I survive on a day to day basis fighting those quiet moments. My abuser, gone, dead, I fear him still. I am not sure why. It is always in my mind that he will somehow find out I have finally told on him. In the end of his life I knew he had been abused too, he told me so. I knew that he was a link in that chain. The chain ended when he died no further links will be formed. Just that quiet moment to move past. They are less now that I am older and someday they may not come at all. But for now... I hate the quiet, I survive the quiet. I will not be a victim of the quiet. I will heal my soul and find my peace, but I will not do it quietly!!!! I will share it and trust in friends, I will put it in my art and my songs I will yell and swear at it. I will live, grow and change to find out who I am inside and share that with anyone who care to hear!!!! It took so long for me to tell that now I will not stop telling. I can not. I am a survivor here!