Thursday, April 29, 2010
When I step away I still pray
Families defiantly are the most complex and sometimes the most difficult relationships we will ever have. I know from experience.No one in my family is close, the have strange distant communications. No real working out our childhood together kind of stuff going on. Much like acquaintances and not like a family at all. No one really knows anyone. I am distant from all of them. They never call or stop by. Nor would I welcome that. It sound cold, I assure you it is self preservation! I also have to tell you that I have one brother who is one year older then me who is pervasively mentally ill. He has schizophrenia. I have done what I could to help him in the past. He moved in with me at a point and it ended with him beating me and me losing a pregnancy at 3and a half months. For a long time he had a case manager with adult protective services who made sure he would go to get his get his shot on a regular basis. It help my brother to maintain in the here and now and function to take care of himself. Recently he lost his case worker and has refused his medication. He is dirty and steeling food. He sits on the sidewalk and yells at people who are not really there. He scares those who are there and and is pulled apart from any friends he once had. The law is in his favor. Mental health laws are built to protect him and his choices. He can not be forced to take medication. Not unless he commits a violent crime or is declared incompetent in the eyes of the law. This is all harder then it sounds. Because he can feed and dress himself and is not homeless or penniless he is seen as legally competent. He does receive Social security Benefits so he has money. His rent is paid automatically and that cover heat and electricity all in one. He spends the rest on beer or gives it away it is even stolen from him as he is an easy mark for predators. I feel for him and wish the system would help him. I can not step in, and if I did there is no way I could change his path. Unless he is charged and remanded to treatment against his will, his life will continue on a path of destruction. I fear that he will kill someone and I pry that he will kill himself. He should be released from his torment. It may be a awful thing to say and please don't send me hate email! It is my honest feelings. Raw and real and is that not what my blog has been? I don't hold back here people! So just stop reading if it bothers you or if you think I am a bad person. I will not be hurt by that. My brother is tortured in his thoughts ever day and has been for years. He has been in hell thinking that the voices in his head are in control of him and thinking that they are aliens that put an implant in his head and are controlling him. You try living that life! Hell on earth nothing less! So yes I wish he where at peace and out of misery. Call me kooky! Death would be a gift to him and I do think there is an after life and that he would not be judged for taking his own life. My fear here is that he would take the life of a random stranger. That stranger may have family and friends and children. I would hold that in my mind the rest of my life and never forgive him for such an act. You may think because he is mentally ill and not in control that I should forgive him for such an act. NO fucking way man! The choice was his not to take the medication! He know he is ill and he knew full well what would happen if he stopped the meds, that is a choice. I may seem harsh, but; remember I used to work in mental health I know the reality of where he is a. I am not unfeeling here. I am just a realist.No rose colored glasses for me thank you so much anyway! I wish deep in my heart that he would be the same boy I knew as a child. I wish we were close and shared our lives. That is only a wish. He can not be a part of my life because he is dangerous! I do what I can through the system and that is all I am willing to do. I pray for him and I hope for the best. I did have an older half brother who was also schizophrenic and he hung himself on a Christmas morning. I never really knew him, I only met him once. I have only a memory of the look in his eyes. It was the same look of fear and confusion, mixed with desperation. So many people I am sure can relate to where I am at with this situation and for us it is always a rock and a hard place kind of feeling. It is easy for others to judge because they are not in our shoes.When and if you see my brother the best thing you could do is cross the street and pray for him. Know his "rights" protect him and not you, and thank God that you are not him. Mental illness is more prevalent then any physical illness and treatment is always a guess. The human brain is a mystery to the medical profession.Laws have been created that will protect him from being forced to get treatment.This is his choice!!!