Friday, April 30, 2010

Ya thought you knew me

Ok so ya thought ya knew me! You are shocked by what you have read here. I am raw and open about things that most people hide from.I have hidden my whole life, run from it all and now I have no reason to hide. I am who I am! I have no reason not to tell. I am a sum of all of my parts, present and past experiences. I share what I can. There is still so much I can not. I generalize and stay away from most painful detail's. I have had many write to me and say that they are floored by what I write and how they think I am both brave and crazy for sharing so much. Well, kidz I think it took me more to hide it all these years then it takes me now to share it. So you thought you knew me? Here is a truth, we never really know anyone! You never know anyone's true past or memories of there past.We never know what people are thinking or feeling. Behind closed door lives happen that we have no idea about! I have come to learn that only when I opened my door have others come to me and opened there's! Huge deal!!! People are more open to me then ever! I have heard about peoples lives and there true feeling. All I did was open my doors! People who I went to school with have come to know me through this blog and are sharing there stories with me!!! WOW!!! This is big. I have heard from many of you on my face book messages and I am pleased to say that I love your opinions and your stories, I love getting to know you. The real you! That is what I am all about! Now I have gotten one or two asking me if I am crazy to share so much in a blog spot that any one can read. To you I say I have not one thing to hide or anyone to hide from. I am who I am! Open and FREE!!! I welcome all responses!!! Good, bad, and indifferent!I want them all of them! Keep it up. Respond and leave comment here or on Face book! Become a fan of the blog and read on and on! I can tell ya brother it is just about to get crazy here.So keep checkin in on it! I am just getting started. I am growing and changing right here with you!!!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Lay it down, lay your burden down.

Lay your burden down!Well that's what I do here. I lay it down. I have dealt with my fears and pain and I survive. I give it up, lay it down and hope that my words and my story are meaningful to you in some way. Get what ya can from it. Grow and learn about your self here. That is my hope for you. I sat in myself and felt the old feelings of self doubt. I remind myself that I am never alone and that I have run a long and hard road to end up here. Sitting in my soul looking at my past and contemplating my future. My inner voice is now just my voice. My past is just my past and my future has endless possibilities. Bound only by the constraints of time. I have said it so many times, " I do not know what I want to be when I grow up." Well my best friend reminds me we are grown up! Ugh! I know we are but somehow I had one life already, I was the mother and wife, workaholic and professional.I had that life. I was the grown up, what I never had was a childhood! I give in to childish things now that I could never do before.So this is my second time around in one life time and I know I need to decide on what to do to take care of myself. Money really does not grow on fucking trees my Grandmother was right! I have looked on the internet and not seen one so far! Ha, ha,ha! So now what? No shit I have to grow up! Get a job and I will only do a job if it has meaning and is feeding my soul!I want to help other to move forward and learn to grow. I have not done all this work to get to where I am to keep it to myself! That is why I do this blog and why I am so open with others, I want to help them become survivors and meet there best self. To help them to find there inner voice and let it yell out to the world!! Well, I am working on it and walking my path. We will see.... Until then I blog and do odd jobs for cash! All that is supposed to happen will and in the time frame that it should!I have faith in the powers that be!

Now, I know that time is my constraint! Shit I am after all the big 40 and I guess that climbing Everest is not in my ability at this moment. I am in shitty shape, I do work on it but; hell food taste so good and I hate to exercise! More wine please... one more glass of course!! Ya know the drill to much of a good thing and I grow another ass! I am working on it!!! Do not judge me man! I said I am working on it! So I find myself looking at the time that seems to be flying by so fast now I lose track of the days and months.And no I do not have Alzheimer's!I just know time move quicker the older ya get. I want to push to do all those things I want to do and dream of completing before my time runs out! I am working on it. I will do my best. All to be happy and healthy and grow as a person. And oh yes to help you grow too. Despite what you think you have to deal with. We can all grow and gain freedom from our emotional pain and trauma. Trust me .... I know!!! But you have to want to try and be ready to move forward. Read, learn and leave a comment. Let me know what you think and if I am helping in some way. And even tell me if I am not! I can take it I am a big girl....Grown I mean, not fat!

When I step away I still pray

Families defiantly are the most complex and sometimes the most difficult relationships we will ever have. I know from experience.No one in my family is close, the have strange distant communications. No real working out our childhood together kind of stuff going on. Much like acquaintances and not like a family at all. No one really knows anyone. I am distant from all of them. They never call or stop by. Nor would I welcome that. It sound cold, I assure you it is self preservation! I also have to tell you that I have one brother who is one year older then me who is pervasively mentally ill. He has schizophrenia. I have done what I could to help him in the past. He moved in with me at a point and it ended with him beating me and me losing a pregnancy at 3and a half months. For a long time he had a case manager with adult protective services who made sure he would go to get his get his shot on a regular basis. It help my brother to maintain in the here and now and function to take care of himself. Recently he lost his case worker and has refused his medication. He is dirty and steeling food. He sits on the sidewalk and yells at people who are not really there. He scares those who are there and and is pulled apart from any friends he once had. The law is in his favor. Mental health laws are built to protect him and his choices. He can not be forced to take medication. Not unless he commits a violent crime or is declared incompetent in the eyes of the law. This is all harder then it sounds. Because he can feed and dress himself and is not homeless or penniless he is seen as legally competent. He does receive Social security Benefits so he has money. His rent is paid automatically and that cover heat and electricity all in one. He spends the rest on beer or gives it away it is even stolen from him as he is an easy mark for predators. I feel for him and wish the system would help him. I can not step in, and if I did there is no way I could change his path. Unless he is charged and remanded to treatment against his will, his life will continue on a path of destruction. I fear that he will kill someone and I pry that he will kill himself. He should be released from his torment. It may be a awful thing to say and please don't send me hate email! It is my honest feelings. Raw and real and is that not what my blog has been? I don't hold back here people! So just stop reading if it bothers you or if you think I am a bad person. I will not be hurt by that. My brother is tortured in his thoughts ever day and has been for years. He has been in hell thinking that the voices in his head are in control of him and thinking that they are aliens that put an implant in his head and are controlling him. You try living that life! Hell on earth nothing less! So yes I wish he where at peace and out of misery. Call me kooky! Death would be a gift to him and I do think there is an after life and that he would not be judged for taking his own life. My fear here is that he would take the life of a random stranger. That stranger may have family and friends and children. I would hold that in my mind the rest of my life and never forgive him for such an act. You may think because he is mentally ill and not in control that I should forgive him for such an act. NO fucking way man! The choice was his not to take the medication! He know he is ill and he knew full well what would happen if he stopped the meds, that is a choice. I may seem harsh, but; remember I used to work in mental health I know the reality of where he is a. I am not unfeeling here. I am just a realist.No rose colored glasses for me thank you so much anyway! I wish deep in my heart that he would be the same boy I knew as a child. I wish we were close and shared our lives. That is only a wish. He can not be a part of my life because he is dangerous! I do what I can through the system and that is all I am willing to do. I pray for him and I hope for the best. I did have an older half brother who was also schizophrenic and he hung himself on a Christmas morning. I never really knew him, I only met him once. I have only a memory of the look in his eyes. It was the same look of fear and confusion, mixed with desperation. So many people I am sure can relate to where I am at with this situation and for us it is always a rock and a hard place kind of feeling. It is easy for others to judge because they are not in our shoes.When and if you see my brother the best thing you could do is cross the street and pray for him. Know his "rights" protect him and not you, and thank God that you are not him. Mental illness is more prevalent then any physical illness and treatment is always a guess. The human brain is a mystery to the medical profession.Laws have been created that will protect him from being forced to get treatment.This is his choice!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Friend or foe

There are people who give all they have to help others and people who do nothing but take from others. I have always tried to be a giver. Many people took from me what I gave and others who took when I was not giving. They just took.Ripped off pieces of me. I call them energy suckers. I have fallen victim to these people so many times. I know now why! All of the energy sucker that I have known are good at making you feel a part of there lives. A part of there family. They endear you to them with a sense of welcome, the whole you are a part of my family and I care about you thing! The next thing ya know you are mowing there grass and making them dinner. They ask and I give.I am a patsy for it every time! When they are done with you it hurts big time! I have a selective blindness issue. I will only see the potential of people not who they truly are! At least not until I am left wondering what hell went wrong and why is this person treating me badly. I have in my life been a part of many family's. I was always heartbroken when I realized that this friendship was so one sided and the other person really was just using me. I fall victim to it and try to not let me feeling run away with me. My head fights to stay in control. At this point my inner voice does me no good. It is still that small child's voice that wins." I want a family that will love me, please!" I could kick the shit out of that kid every time I cry over one more loss! I tell her to see the person for what they really are not who they could be or who you want them to be! Stop being so pathetic and grow the fuck up, you do not need what you never had, and if you never had it you can not miss it you do not truly understand what you are missing,....Dumb ass!
The lesson is see people for who they are not who you need them or want them to be!!! Hard to do, but it saves lots of pain trust me and learn from my growth on this one!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

letter to my abuser

I could not sleep. I found myself turning it over and over again in my mind. I found myself feeling unsettled and fearful.I thought about you. I tried to imagine you as a child, helpless and small.I tried to picture you with your abuser. I wanted so much to connect with that image. I thought it would somehow give me some sense.Some kind of understanding to why you hurt me. Why evil seemed normal to you. You were in my shoes once, was it normal then? When you were small did it feel normal? Or were you like me? Did you freeze at ever touch, feel sick at the thought of it. Let your soul leave your body to escape the pain and fear? If you were like me, then how could you go on to hurt someone else in that way? Not just some one else, no not a stranger, your child! I was your child! I was a flesh and blood part of you. Did you hate your self that much that you would damage a part of your self to the point that they would carry that pain there whole life, long after you were gone!? You made the choice to hurt me! Did you need to regain your power. The power taken from you by your father? Did doing the same to me make it feel better for you? Did it make you feel like a man? In your last days I gave you forgiveness, sympathy and love. I gave you, the devil himself, forgiveness! Sympathy! Love! Would you have given that to your abuser if you had the chance? I do not think so! when you abuser died you just sent flowers. You did not know him, you could not forgive him.The flowers cost $27.50. Not sure why the price sticks in my head. Because you never got to tell him that he hurt you or ask him why, maybe you can understand why I had to ask you and push you to get my answers. I hated you for so long.I hate my memories of you still. You broke my bones and used my body as if I had no feelings at all. I was your toy, a possession with out feelings.That is how you treated me. I learned not to feel physical pain, I shut off from my body and no pain can reach me. Break my arm and I did not cry. I would just sit quietly on the floor. I would tell the lies I was told to tell in the car on the way to the ER Like your "good big girl." I remember sitting at the foot of your bed while you slept holding your loaded gun. I wanted to kill you, to shoot you and watch you die. I wanted to rid myself of your evil. I would always walk back upstairs and put the gun away and think that I was a coward. I know it would have been easy to kill you it was hard to in the end forgive you and myself for what happened.I have written you so many times. I have thought of you everyday sense your death. I wonder if God exist what you had to face in death. I hope you got a life review and had to experience things from my perspective. I wonder if God forgave you? Are you in heaven or hell. I think sometimes that maybe you are with me and feeling my pain. I am not sure what became of you. Are you at rest? The secrets and lies you let behind life on in this world, the pain and horror are still fresh.You are not forgotten here. I just want you to know dad that I am telling and I will not stop. I will survive you and your abuse. I hope we meet on the other side.I hope I can say what I need to then. I hope to maybe view your soul and gain understanding and peace. I have tried in this life to have that and will keep working on it. It is crazy, I fucking hate you and I fucking wanted you just to be a good parent. To love me and treat me well, encourage me and hug me! You did your best in public to pretend but we both knew the truth!I was your child you fucking bastard! I will survive the damage to my soul I will move forward I will not ever be like you. Thank God evil is not in my make up! I have prayed for you. I pray for me. I move on one moment at a time. I will heal my soul and my heart. I am not your victim anymore.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The quiet moments

In quiet moments I remember just how it felt to be powerless and small. I can feel lost and alone. I find it hard not to sink in to a hole a self doubt. I have to remind my self that I am stronger then my memories and stronger then the acts perpetrated on me by my abuser. I have to move past the moment and pull myself back to the hear and now. I sometimes remember his smell or his breathing. It is like a movie in my head and my body goes on ride. My senses are overloaded and my instinct is to shut down. That is what is hard for me. I Know I am safe and loved and yet fear can push up it's ugly head at any time. My inner self screams. "This is not real snap out of it!" It is like some distant whisper at first and then a scream that pulls at me until my frozen body reanimates and I can once again feel my surroundings. The whole thing may only last a few moments but it feels like a life time.I have been fighting those moments all my life. I feel every time they rob me of being present in moment. They make me feel victimized all over again. I know it happens for some reason. Maybe it is so I will never forget that I survived. Maybe I am supposed to use it to help others. I am not sure. I just think if I did not need it in some way those moments would be over. I know from every thing we must learn lessons. I stumble to get this lesson behind me, but, I will someday.I look at others and wonder what there quiet moments are like.Are they peeling there emotional onion and crying from the smell of it only to find it's healing properties? I wonder what normal people do in those quiet moments?I wonder if there are "normal" people! I read that 37 million Americans were sexually abused in 2009. The number staggered me! Is the world in such a bad state that we allow this? Are we as a people allowing this? Do we look away from harsh things to not be involved. Are our children disposable, usable like everything else. Is control in such high demand that it has to be taken over the helpless and weak? I have studied sexual predators and tried to figure them out. I have known children who where abused and then became abusers. The chain of sickness one link at a time. The damage on the mind of a child last a life time. If I got in a car accident and lost my legs I would learn to use a wheelchair, I would be hard, I would be fine. If I lost an arm...I would be fine, prosthesis is available. But damage my soul, my mind... well, that is a life long uphill battle.I know a battle it every day. I never forget not one thing, not one moment! I survive on a day to day basis fighting those quiet moments. My abuser, gone, dead, I fear him still. I am not sure why. It is always in my mind that he will somehow find out I have finally told on him. In the end of his life I knew he had been abused too, he told me so. I knew that he was a link in that chain. The chain ended when he died no further links will be formed. Just that quiet moment to move past. They are less now that I am older and someday they may not come at all. But for now... I hate the quiet, I survive the quiet. I will not be a victim of the quiet. I will heal my soul and find my peace, but I will not do it quietly!!!! I will share it and trust in friends, I will put it in my art and my songs I will yell and swear at it. I will live, grow and change to find out who I am inside and share that with anyone who care to hear!!!! It took so long for me to tell that now I will not stop telling. I can not. I am a survivor here!