Thursday, January 14, 2010

Live,grow, change...or something like that...

Well to be honest I needed to take time off from writing. I had to deal with some feelings I dug up while writing this blog. Best to do it when you are experiencing them. No more suppressing that inner me.
So I left off with the last request from my mother. Take care of your father she asked. Now may I say although I know everything happens for a reason it is hard to know that in a moment of complete pants shitting panic. I gave her my word knowing that she needed it to die in peace. I kept myself together until after the wake. Thank God I am Irish and we all drank ourselves stupid after. Then I slept in my car that night in the funeral home parking lot. As I drove home to wash up and change it all hit me like a nightmare. The words rang in my seriously heavy head...take care of your father. I had visions of shooting him, blowing him up, driving over him repeatedly! Then one of him at my mothers side sobbing and kissing her forehead as she died. He was who I had remembered and feared. No, he was old and weak,sad and needy. I was stronger.I found myself pulling into his driveway. I went up and knocked on the door. He yelled "come in".I did. I stood there looking at him. He was lost. Red faced from tears and still sobbing. I am not sure what happened at this point I think my inner self may have taken over. I kicked in to a self preservation mode. I saw weak in front of me yet still felt fear. My inner child was screaming. I said." Look here old man, I will take care of you I did make mom that promise.But we are going to have some fucking rules! If you don't follow my rules I will leave you all alone and no one will fucking take care of you! Do you understand! You are never allowed to touch me or my children. If you break that rule I will fucking end you. I call the shots I hope ya get that. I am not afraid of you anymore. I hope we can get some understanding of that here!" He said yes softly.His head down he sobbed into a paper towel. I sat at the table. We talked like real people. He admitted that he knew he was a bastard and had been a bastard to me. He did not have any explanation for himself. I knew I had pushed a fragile man too far. I said I needed him to understand that I would help him I just needed rules. I needed to feel safe. He shook his head yes. I asked if he had eaten as I went to the refrigerator. I started to cook eggs for him. There I was cooking eggs for the devil himself.I asked him about mom and what he loved about her most. We talked for the first time. The first real talk with feelings I had ever had with this man I had know my whole life. I felt pity for him. My inner self was silent.I felt like it was hiding in fear. Just expecting that this pathetic man would somehow decide he was angry and grab me up. He ate his eggs and cried. My brothers and sisters showed up and the circus continued.They all played pretend. We where a pretend family for a few hours. But I did note the look in the eyes of each of them. I am sure I had the same look in my eyes. I am sure we all felt the same. Not that we could ever discuss it. We where all distant and estranged from each other. I did not really know them and they did not really know me.We never talked for any reason ever, until my mom died and even then it was about her and not our feelings, not our needs or memories. They took what dad gave them to remember her by, made promises to call and stop by to see him. I smiled and played my role in the circus. Then I left. I knew they would not make good on their empty promises. I would however make good on my promise.I would take care of him and I would somehow get the answers I needed from him. Why and how could he do that to me?...I was his child.
I went home and took time to sleep and see my children. I needed it. Then, well.. Off to the races.Now it was even more intense.Family, work, home, kids,dad, garden,cook,clean and care for two households.Then dad got sick, really sick.My inner voice cried quietly for me to help it. I could not. I was the last thing I needed to deal with damn it. Dad went to the hospital.Somehow I knew he would not be ok. He was not. I saw him in the hospital and then cared for him at home. We started to be good at the game of truth. I would ask a question and he would take a deep breath and give me an answer. I asked. "why did you hate me so much?" He said." I never hated you I just never knew how to do it differently. I worked hard to care for my family ya know.I didn't have much of a roll model I guess.My father was awfully bad to us ya know." As our time together rolled on I got to know this man I called dad. We built a guesthouse together. Well, my husband and I built it dad directed. I worked hard to keep my defenses sharp. Dad got sicker. He spent more time in the hospital.I was there. My best friend supporting me. We sat and played cards with the devil to help him pass the time.I think she understood that I needed some kind of connection with this man to reconcile my past.She worried for me and loved me through it.Dad got worse. The doctor moved him to ICU and they wanted to move him to a different hospital. Because of his breathing difficulty they wanted to place him on a ventilator.I went in my dad's room to tell him.He agreed and then grabbed my arm and said."I am sorry I just want you to know that. My dad he did things to me too and I did not know better.I did try to be better then him.I guess I wasn't. I understand why you could hate me. But Kathy I always loved you and I am so proud of you now, you are a good woman and mother.Promise me you will let me go to mama when the time comes and that you will quit smoking.Please kiddo." I held his hand and promised I would let him go to mom when the time came. I never said I would quit smoking! When he arrived at the new hospital I was already there.I called my other family members. My older brother was booking a flight.No one else would come. My father had lung cancer. He was in end stage.My brother came the next day. I made the decision to pull the plug and let him die. I held his hand and forgave him with all of my heart, I let him go.My inner voice said the words out loud, "Dad I forgive you it's ok you can go to mom now, I forgive you dad." I quietly said to myself I forgive me too.I was a child and I was a victim, I forgive me too.

My father passed away almost a year after my mother. In the end I got the father I had always wanted.

I was reborn! I was free. I started to talk to others about my abuse and my survival.I was no longer afraid,I was no longer a victim.I was growing and changing. All in rather small doses. But still it was something. My brothers and sisters went back to the shadows and I was left alone by my blood family. Free at last.None of my brothers or sisters got to truly know my father the way that I did and for that I am sorry. I wish they all could have come out and been honest with them selves and gotten the closure that I did. They all are still in denial and pretending that it never happened.Although I was free, I knew they where not. Since they were not a part of my life I could speak freely.Feel freely and grow. Now mind you I was just starting to listen to my inner voice but I still shut it out most of the time to maintain my pace of life that kept me safe from the feelings and the world. A semi hibernation.A controlled hibernation. I was not truly free yet.

I began to heal myself be writing in a journal and reading my fathers writings. He would write about everything. He just left out most of the truth. He made it sound like we were a fucking TV perfect family. I wrote the truth in my journal.I always ended each entry with: and everything happens for a reason. You see I think my mother knew what she was doing by asking me to care for my father. I got a true gift from her...CLOSURE! Thank you mama!

I started to grow! But I kept up my pace of work and family and ran like a mad woman. Somehow thinking I had to,still afraid of me somehow. I am not sure why, but I think I got caught up in thinking I could save the world.

This went on for a few years....

I think I will step away from the bad part of my childhood and tell ya some of the good parts so you can see me even more clearly before I move forward with my story. So next blog we will look back again and you will see the people I call my angels.People who gave me hope and love and the determination to want more from myself. They were in the right place at the right time and I don't think that that is a coincidence. Thank you to whoever is in control up there. So until then I will grow from what ever memories this congers up in my mind, and heal, and know I am not a victim but a survivor.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Live, grow, change...ot something like that!

Well, I want you to know that this post is vary hard for me.I procrastinated on it all day. In fact just baked a cake from scratch to deal with my thoughts. What should I say what should I hold back? That is my main calamity. So by the time the cake was frosted. I knew I should just sit my butt down and start writing. Here I am sitting and jumping in to the land of white screen and thinking with my keyboard.

The onset of hibernation. Not easy to think about none the less write in an open forum about. I was as a child abused by my father. Not just spanked but beaten.I was sexually abused by him as well. I grew up in hell. I was his main target and I was small and fearful. My mother knew what he would do to me and she looked the other way. She had her own issues.She was sick all the time. Suffering from obstructive lung disease and mental illness. She was often medicated. She never left the house being agoraphobic. She would sit in front of the t.v. and act like no one else was in the room. She would go on what my father said was "vacation." Real world terms to the mental hospital. My dad did not need a reason to hit me he just did it because. I had broken arms and ribs,legs and hands. The skull fractures and concussions where hard to explain after a while to the school. My parents said I fell a lot and that I had balance issues. It was when I was very small maybe 6 that I remember "going away" in my mind. I left my body and went off some where else. Not a place I can tell you about just some where that was not in my body. Hibernation! It was a quiet place, a safe place. I was alone and unafraid there. Strange I know but true. I can still do it to this day just close my eyes and I go. I feel nothing that happens to my body. A self survival skill. I learned quickly to hibernate in life.It helps so that you, the real you doesn't get hurt. I would go there when I was scared or angry. I protected my self. I left home when I was 14 and never looked back. I was strangely already in hibernation and it grew on me like a coat. Protecting me from the pain of my world. I was a liked girl and I made friends with everyone. I did well in school. I had no outward appearance of the life I lead at home. Well, other then absences from school and a tough shell. I think I was well liked. I was even a cheerleader for our football team. I was sure no one knew of my home hell. My very best friend and her family had an idea. Her mother sent me off to camp to get me out of my home for 2 weeks a year. She also took me to a doctor thinking that something would be done to help me. I love her so! I would dream that this family would somehow take me in and save me. Although they did not take me in they did save me! They gave me skills that I use to this day and will always be grateful for. They showed me a family could be good and kind. That parents could love and not hit. That not all fathers used their children as punching bags or as sex toys. They gave me the most valuable skill...Trust and love. My best childhood friend is still just that and I refer to her as my sister. I know I made it hard for her to hang in there with me. My anger in my hibernation grew.I was cynical and harsh for years. I hated the world for having to live in hibernation. I was too fearful to come out to like myself. I thought it must all some how be my fault. My mother was crazy because of me and my father angry because of me. I must have done something . I just did not know what. I hated me for it. I am not sure what made me think it. It just was true in my mind. It was my fault! Self hate! I stuffed my self down, down, down. My inner voice was gagged! My friend went away to a boarding school, I left home. I was alone. I met an older man and moved in with him. I was married at 15. He said jump and I said how high? I was what I thought was happy. I had a place to live and someone to take care of me. I stayed in school and did well. Then the bottom seemed to fall out. It all seemed to change. He became controlling. I was fragile. I could not give him what thought he wanted. I became anorexic. He judged my weight and I wanted to please him. I ate little if at all. I dropped out of school to work harder and earn more money to support us. I lost an immense amount of weight. I drank and smoked, my hibernating self now starved. I wanted so much to just kill it and feel nothing. Take my inner self out and cut it up and watch it die. To be free of the voice that kept telling me to live and grow and change. I did not want to. I wanted to be in hibernation and forget that people hurt each other. That they hurt ME! I wanted out man! Well that is not what happened. HE left me and we got a divorce. I survived! I got healthy. I still drank and smoked and well hell it was the eighty's so figure it out...I was a bad girl. You name it and I tried it. Any escape. Hibernation helpers! I then lived on my own for a while. Not good for me at all! I am no good on my own, or was not then at least. I met a good guy and we lived together for 3 years. I got pregnant! My inner voice called out " I am still here and we can do this." I had a baby boy and my inner self knew I would love this child and protect him from the world. I married and we moved out of town. My inner self began to grow with the love I felt for my son. I stopped being so angry and learned to give of my self. He needed me. I needed him. I was a model mother and wife. Clean house happy baby happy husband and I could do it all. Baby, husband, home, garden, work and friends. I reconnected with my parents...Only to find they had not changed. I slipped backward. Fear and confusion rained down. I tried to show my husband that I was normal too. That was a total lie. I was not, in fact far from it. He had never met any one like me, his family was nice and normal if there is such a thing. I wanted to show him I could be like that too. What a huge game I played..Big fat liar face.I knew I was playing with danger and I was going to pay for it. When my second baby came I was so happy. More babies more love. Me with a baby in my arms is a blissful me ! I saw my parents on brief occasion.s. I tried to have the most control over the situations. I really knew I had none. On one occasion my mother was in full swing. She was agitated and slapped my baby. I Got my kids and left. I called later and told my father I was done playing house and that they where never to see me or my family again. Then I threw up! My inner self yelled out " thank you!" Memories flooded my head and the stuffing began. I ate and ate and ate. I cried all night and slept when the kids took a nap. I fell away deeper in my hibernation state. Soon after my younger son was diagnosed with severe autism at the age of 2. I ate and ate and ate. I padded myself to the pain of failure. It was somehow my fault. I came home and fell apart. For one night I fell hard. Lost all control of what was left of me. The next day I did research and learned all I could about how to help my son. I began the work of saving him. My self redemption. I worked hard to give him a chance. It took up my time...No time to think of me or what I needed. That is how I liked it. I educated the school system and the community and worked with a local agency to invoke even more change. My marriage slipped . It was hard on my husband. He did not want to deal with agencies or the school and I had become the expert. It was all on me and I had asked for it. I knew I had taken over and yet I hated him for not participating. As time rolled on we drifted further apart. I took a job with a local mental health agency and became a workaholic. I did it all. Kids, school meetings, home meetings with care providers, cleaned, cooked, doctors, job, what friends I had left, garden, pets and what was left went to my husband. No me! Eat, eat, eat, work, work work! Run, run as fast as you can no time to grow just do what's at hand!

The powers that be said stop. I had a pulmonary embolism. Oh I stopped! My inner voice said. "Please I do not want to die I never got to live, I want to grow and be happy!" I said shut up and worked from the hospital room. With out a skip. I almost saw my own end and did not listen.I was in ICU for a week. I worked. I was running so fast I could not, would not; stop. Nothing could stop me.I had to run ya see I was running from the most scary thing!
I got out of the hospital and went back to my crazy life.FULL SPEED!
At least for 2 years. Then I got a mother was going to die and wanted to see me. It had been 8 years since I last saw the parents. I shook. I thew up. I drove alone to the hospital in the middle of the night. Scared witless. I stopped at least 3 times to get sick on the side of the road. But, I made it. Long story short I was with my mother and family and it was a circus and she died at last. But, just before she died we were alone and I forgave her. I reached in side deep and truly forgave her. I set her free. She did ask me to do one small thing, take care of my father. I could not as hard as I tried refuse her. I still wanted her love and acceptance.

Now I was to care for my abuser!

I think at this point I have to stop. I am feeling so much as I write this and I need to believe it or not take time for myself to deal with my feelings. I will pick up again tomorrow. I want you to know that I am telling this story of my life not to give you a oh that poor woman feeling. Not at all I want you to know and to see that I am in no way a victim. I am a survivor. All of me my whole person. I am here and I am growing! I hope to show you that anyone can grow and change. We all can no matter what we came from.No matter how long it takes us to resolve our stuff.

We all can grow, if we chose to!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Live , Grow, Change....or something like that

Hibernation, My sleep lasted almost my whole life. I just did what I thought I should do and did not follow my inner voice. I worked my life away and came home and took care of the house and kids and husband.Nose to the grindstone and head up my ass. I gave up friends. Well, except those I worked with. I got caught up in being the best and saving the world. I wanted to have it all. Home, kids and save the world. No one was saving me! NO ONE. My best friend tried I know she did. But I am thick headed. It took cancer to stop me in my tracks. A huge kick in the ass. God said. " Here ya go stupid lady I will stop your crazy world and make this simple for you. You need to take care of your self." I listened! With fear in my heart, I listened! My world spun to a stop and the voice in my head said. "Now me please, I need you." I took a big breath and sat down. The inner me was so weak so small. It had been trapped in a 269 pound body and muffled by my need to save the world and be the best mom and do all the things others wanted. It was only left as a whisper. The day I went in for my first surgery I sat in the room where they prep you and put in the i.v. I was given a drug called versed. I love this stuff! You feel like you are floating. I enjoyed the moment until they came and begun to wheel me off to the operating room.My small inner voice said. "I do not want to die! I never got to live! I want to be happy with me, for me. The me you will not know if it's over!" I was out in a flash and when I woke up I knew that I had to live.Not just go on in life...LIVE! All of me! I wanted to like me and feel happy in and with myself. I wanted more. Not to save the world, but save me! I had been a stupid mindless drone and pushed my true self away my whole life to please others. Now mind you not that they asked me to, I felt I was supposed to.
I began to listen to my inner self. The voice got louder. Ok for those at this point who think I may be stratospheric or have a spit personality, back off, I am not crazy. My inner voice is my conscience and I hope we all have one. As I listened I got comfortable with me and what I needed. Yoga was a great help. It made my mind clear, so I could listen.
However although I was listening I was not acting on what I was being told. So, again the powers that be kicked my ass! Cancer number two! More surgery, more fear.My inner voice was quiet. I was fired from my job while I was in the hospital. The powers that be said."This was making you sick and you should not do it anymore so now it is over." I needed that I truthfully did not know how to leave that job. It was a sick emotional enmeshment for me. My inner self had a bruised ego."How can they do anything with out me. I worked so hard there."
Well, I was hurt, I got over it. OK. At least I am working on it. Rejection is hard for me ok. So I healed and my inner voice was quiet. Until one day when I was in my car. The quiet stopped. My inner voice screamed! "Listen to me please, please, I just can't take it any more." "heal me, love me!" "You are not happy still and you have to do what will change that or we will be sick again and you are giving your life up by not being happy."

I woke up to my real self. I had not been happy and I new it. I kept trying to make myself happy but I was afraid to do the harder stuff that I knew I needed. The powers took care of that too and I soon left my 22 year marriage.I think that it was the best thing for me. I think we knew it was time. It still hurt. I still care for him.We are better off as friends.
I respect him too much to go in to that and I hope you understand.

So I was now free to hear myself, for the first time! I heard me! I was almost a stranger to myself. No; I was a stranger to myself! I had never wanted to know me before, I did not like me and I kept me in a box covered in blubber deep in the pit of my belly. Any time my inner self mumbled I stuffed my face with food to shut it up, suffocate that silly voice. Now I was literally dealing with stuff I had buried since childhood ! Scared shitless ! You know it! I was also at this time living in a guesthouse 10 steps from my marital home. Looking for a place of my own. Yup when I do the life upheaval thing I really put my whole self in.The hokie pokie all or nothing soul search! Ya put your childhood memories in, ya put your self hatred out, ya mix it all up and turn your self about! Not a easy dance folks!It helps to have people who love and support you through it! I did have that and you know who you are..So do I, and thank you! I will always love you for it. Always!

Wow ya know, I can say I survived it! I danced the dance and I continue to stumble and keep going to the beat of my own drummer. Some times I am Grace Kelly other times I am the drunk guy in the corner of the bar that stagger dances by himself to the jukebox.A true work in progress. As long as I keep dancing I will grow! That is the biggest gift of our lives to be able to grow and learn from what we experience.Not to be a victim of it, but a educated survivor.To look back and say I was; I am, STRONG! I do not have to do that again because I got what I needed from it.HA!

I will be back to write tomorrow and I hope that ya like being here with me. I am sorry I should have warned you that I swear like a trucker sometimes. Sorry! It is the real me. Oh and My spelling is horrible. I am dyslexic. Sorry again. But if ya like what I am doing here you'll deal right. Tomorrow...I will be back and I will get into some more about being awake and also more of why I think I hibernated to start with.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Live, grow , Change...or something like that...

Here I am again looking at this blank screen... In my last blog I said that this time I would tell ya all where I am in my life now. So here I go! First let me say that the blank screen is seriously intimidating. I had what I wanted to say in my head, well somewhat anyway and when I sat down to write I freaked out just a little. This is big for me. I mean I have kept so much in for so long and only my close friends truly know me. But now no more fronts just truth to you and myself! That is big man. Truly big! How many people will not only tell the truth to themselves let alone people they do not know. Here I go headfirst, deep breath and jumping in.

I am 40. I live in a small town in the Adirondack Mountains where every one seems to know every one. My family situation is strange to most. I have 2 children who are both boys.My oldest is 18 and in collage. My youngest is 15 and has autism. Both are kind and loving.My youngest child is severely autistic. This has been a challenge trust me. He is a wonderful boy. I do have a gift in him he has taught me many lessons. I think people feel bad for me and for him because of his disability. Well, I say how many parents can say their child will never lie,cheat,steal, hate or hurt anyone's feelings. I can say that! He is not capable of those things.

I am separated from my husband and will be getting a divorce. For the record I left him. We are still friends. We talk on the phone and see each other frequently. No, we will not get back together.We are better as friends. We agree that our kids are great!

When I say my family situation is strange I mean the family I grew up in. Both of my parents are dead and have been for several years. I am one of 10 children. Yup 10! I am the baby. I never talk to my 5 brothers of 4 sisters. We have never been close. Our family was a yours, mine, and ours deal. My Mother was married before she married my Father and she had 3 children. My Father had 5 children from his first marriage and together had 2 more. Breeders! I know we all have our own memories in families. Mine are never good. I did not know most of my siblings and those I do know I do not know well. So I have made my own family out of my friends. I say you can chose your family.Hell I did and I am better for it. I will get into my childhood hell in another blog. Needless to say it did shape who I am for better or worse. I am strong because of it and I survived.That is important. But another blog another day.

I have just and by just I mean in the last 3 years started to like me.It took a big kick in my ass by the powers that be to wake me up from my strange hibernation. That is the word I think sums it up, hibernation. I will explain this state of being in my future blogs so that you will understand.

I am, at this point less of a women and more of a woman at the same time.. Boy now that warrants immediate explanation! So here you are.I had cancer. I had my uterus, cervix and both ovaries removed. Like that was not enough I just had a double mastectomy with reconstruction. By the way I love the new small boobs... They rock.I was a D cup and now;well an A cup... My back is great and no bra ever again! I am at this time cancer free!!!! I did not have breast cancer. It was shaky but all the tissue was fine. I had to cry for a few days until I got the pathology but, so what! In the end I was home free.
So they took what was considered all the womanly things away and I can say that is not what made me a woman. Strange right? I feel more sexy and secure in my gender then I ever did before. Maybe being older and wiser has something to do with it. Being 40 and at my supposed sexual peek.Isn't that what they say.Peeking aside here, I like the new me. Cancer was the eye opener in my life.The me I like now is a person who takes time to listen to the inner voice. Learn from what I experience. Grow from every interaction and self awareness and change my view about myself the world my own self depreciating inner voice and who I want to become.I am a survivor of life! Not a victim of anything! I work on my childhood shit like we all do or should.I find my truth in myself.I work on that almost on a weekly if not daily basis. I work on alot of things like eating more healthy and taking better care of my body.Ok...This is a big one for me I have food issues.I love food. I love to cook and eat.I was a few years ago 269 pounds and have the photos to prove it. Now I am still overweight and fight not to slip back into fatty land. It is hard! I am chubby! At least 30 pounds overweight. Work, work, work...I hate to exercise. I will walk and do yoga.I just need more discipline to get on it and do it as a routine. Hard for me. I am not sure why... Workin on it.I wish I where taller and that would help, I am only 5 foot tall. If I where say 5 foot 5, I would be the right weight.HEEE,HAA. I am not going to grow so I guess I need to get my chubby self in gear here.

At this time I do not have a job. Ya see I was a program director at a mental health agency and was fired while I was in the hospital after surgery! 10 years of my life at that place and done just like that.I am thankful! Yup thankful! I was a workaholic. No time for family or myself or my friends.

I just bought a house! I was renovation woman and still work on what needs to be done as I can afford it. I love my house. I have lived here for 1 year. I know every nook and cranny. I love it.

So that is the basic who I am right now I think. I will get in to my hibernation and awakingning in my next blog. I hope you are hanging in there it gets way better. Trust me.Just hang in there with me. Although I can't show you a video of my life I can keep giving you small snapshots of it that will eventually give you the clear picture of it. I am doing it for better or worse. At least it's honest.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Live, grow, change ...Or something like that!

Well, where to start.. I write all the time for myself and thought that this could be easy. I think right now I was wrong. I am looking at the screen and wishing I could somehow through osmosis let you all in to my head so that you could watch a video of my life. An edited version of course.I would take out the parts where I looked like a fool, or of course bathroom scenes and awkward sex scenes. The video would allow you to know me.The child I was and the woman I became and why. Since that video can not be accessed I hope to give you an understanding of me.Not the one I sugarcoat, but me, the real deal.I am a survivor of life. A student of mankind.Real and self conscious just like you. I learn from everything I experience. That is the goal! It is hard and I am sometimes stupid.

I hope that you are in for the ride with me and that I can in someway help you find yourself through my story.I hope that I can give you the insight that I have to help you to learn, grow and change in the direction that you wish. I am far from perfect here trust me folks...At least 30 pounds overweight and 40 and freaking out about it. I will as my goal try to do this everyday and I will start from where I am at in life.Ya know who I am now and what I am like. I hope ya hang in for the ride with me...That is if anyone reads this! If not then I guess it is for me and my own self awareness. I am a work in progress! A survivor! So I will start my story tomorrow!

Tonight I will think about that video and how to relay it to you....It will not be easy! Hold on to your hats!