Sunday, January 10, 2010

Live , Grow, Change....or something like that

Hibernation, My sleep lasted almost my whole life. I just did what I thought I should do and did not follow my inner voice. I worked my life away and came home and took care of the house and kids and husband.Nose to the grindstone and head up my ass. I gave up friends. Well, except those I worked with. I got caught up in being the best and saving the world. I wanted to have it all. Home, kids and save the world. No one was saving me! NO ONE. My best friend tried I know she did. But I am thick headed. It took cancer to stop me in my tracks. A huge kick in the ass. God said. " Here ya go stupid lady I will stop your crazy world and make this simple for you. You need to take care of your self." I listened! With fear in my heart, I listened! My world spun to a stop and the voice in my head said. "Now me please, I need you." I took a big breath and sat down. The inner me was so weak so small. It had been trapped in a 269 pound body and muffled by my need to save the world and be the best mom and do all the things others wanted. It was only left as a whisper. The day I went in for my first surgery I sat in the room where they prep you and put in the i.v. I was given a drug called versed. I love this stuff! You feel like you are floating. I enjoyed the moment until they came and begun to wheel me off to the operating room.My small inner voice said. "I do not want to die! I never got to live! I want to be happy with me, for me. The me you will not know if it's over!" I was out in a flash and when I woke up I knew that I had to live.Not just go on in life...LIVE! All of me! I wanted to like me and feel happy in and with myself. I wanted more. Not to save the world, but save me! I had been a stupid mindless drone and pushed my true self away my whole life to please others. Now mind you not that they asked me to, I felt I was supposed to.
I began to listen to my inner self. The voice got louder. Ok for those at this point who think I may be stratospheric or have a spit personality, back off, I am not crazy. My inner voice is my conscience and I hope we all have one. As I listened I got comfortable with me and what I needed. Yoga was a great help. It made my mind clear, so I could listen.
However although I was listening I was not acting on what I was being told. So, again the powers that be kicked my ass! Cancer number two! More surgery, more fear.My inner voice was quiet. I was fired from my job while I was in the hospital. The powers that be said."This was making you sick and you should not do it anymore so now it is over." I needed that I truthfully did not know how to leave that job. It was a sick emotional enmeshment for me. My inner self had a bruised ego."How can they do anything with out me. I worked so hard there."
Well, I was hurt, I got over it. OK. At least I am working on it. Rejection is hard for me ok. So I healed and my inner voice was quiet. Until one day when I was in my car. The quiet stopped. My inner voice screamed! "Listen to me please, please, I just can't take it any more." "heal me, love me!" "You are not happy still and you have to do what will change that or we will be sick again and you are giving your life up by not being happy."

I woke up to my real self. I had not been happy and I new it. I kept trying to make myself happy but I was afraid to do the harder stuff that I knew I needed. The powers took care of that too and I soon left my 22 year marriage.I think that it was the best thing for me. I think we knew it was time. It still hurt. I still care for him.We are better off as friends.
I respect him too much to go in to that and I hope you understand.

So I was now free to hear myself, for the first time! I heard me! I was almost a stranger to myself. No; I was a stranger to myself! I had never wanted to know me before, I did not like me and I kept me in a box covered in blubber deep in the pit of my belly. Any time my inner self mumbled I stuffed my face with food to shut it up, suffocate that silly voice. Now I was literally dealing with stuff I had buried since childhood ! Scared shitless ! You know it! I was also at this time living in a guesthouse 10 steps from my marital home. Looking for a place of my own. Yup when I do the life upheaval thing I really put my whole self in.The hokie pokie all or nothing soul search! Ya put your childhood memories in, ya put your self hatred out, ya mix it all up and turn your self about! Not a easy dance folks!It helps to have people who love and support you through it! I did have that and you know who you are..So do I, and thank you! I will always love you for it. Always!

Wow ya know, I can say I survived it! I danced the dance and I continue to stumble and keep going to the beat of my own drummer. Some times I am Grace Kelly other times I am the drunk guy in the corner of the bar that stagger dances by himself to the jukebox.A true work in progress. As long as I keep dancing I will grow! That is the biggest gift of our lives to be able to grow and learn from what we experience.Not to be a victim of it, but a educated survivor.To look back and say I was; I am, STRONG! I do not have to do that again because I got what I needed from it.HA!

I will be back to write tomorrow and I hope that ya like being here with me. I am sorry I should have warned you that I swear like a trucker sometimes. Sorry! It is the real me. Oh and My spelling is horrible. I am dyslexic. Sorry again. But if ya like what I am doing here you'll deal right. Tomorrow...I will be back and I will get into some more about being awake and also more of why I think I hibernated to start with.

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