Monday, January 11, 2010

Live, grow, change...ot something like that!

Well, I want you to know that this post is vary hard for me.I procrastinated on it all day. In fact just baked a cake from scratch to deal with my thoughts. What should I say what should I hold back? That is my main calamity. So by the time the cake was frosted. I knew I should just sit my butt down and start writing. Here I am sitting and jumping in to the land of white screen and thinking with my keyboard.

The onset of hibernation. Not easy to think about none the less write in an open forum about. I was as a child abused by my father. Not just spanked but beaten.I was sexually abused by him as well. I grew up in hell. I was his main target and I was small and fearful. My mother knew what he would do to me and she looked the other way. She had her own issues.She was sick all the time. Suffering from obstructive lung disease and mental illness. She was often medicated. She never left the house being agoraphobic. She would sit in front of the t.v. and act like no one else was in the room. She would go on what my father said was "vacation." Real world terms to the mental hospital. My dad did not need a reason to hit me he just did it because. I had broken arms and ribs,legs and hands. The skull fractures and concussions where hard to explain after a while to the school. My parents said I fell a lot and that I had balance issues. It was when I was very small maybe 6 that I remember "going away" in my mind. I left my body and went off some where else. Not a place I can tell you about just some where that was not in my body. Hibernation! It was a quiet place, a safe place. I was alone and unafraid there. Strange I know but true. I can still do it to this day just close my eyes and I go. I feel nothing that happens to my body. A self survival skill. I learned quickly to hibernate in life.It helps so that you, the real you doesn't get hurt. I would go there when I was scared or angry. I protected my self. I left home when I was 14 and never looked back. I was strangely already in hibernation and it grew on me like a coat. Protecting me from the pain of my world. I was a liked girl and I made friends with everyone. I did well in school. I had no outward appearance of the life I lead at home. Well, other then absences from school and a tough shell. I think I was well liked. I was even a cheerleader for our football team. I was sure no one knew of my home hell. My very best friend and her family had an idea. Her mother sent me off to camp to get me out of my home for 2 weeks a year. She also took me to a doctor thinking that something would be done to help me. I love her so! I would dream that this family would somehow take me in and save me. Although they did not take me in they did save me! They gave me skills that I use to this day and will always be grateful for. They showed me a family could be good and kind. That parents could love and not hit. That not all fathers used their children as punching bags or as sex toys. They gave me the most valuable skill...Trust and love. My best childhood friend is still just that and I refer to her as my sister. I know I made it hard for her to hang in there with me. My anger in my hibernation grew.I was cynical and harsh for years. I hated the world for having to live in hibernation. I was too fearful to come out to like myself. I thought it must all some how be my fault. My mother was crazy because of me and my father angry because of me. I must have done something . I just did not know what. I hated me for it. I am not sure what made me think it. It just was true in my mind. It was my fault! Self hate! I stuffed my self down, down, down. My inner voice was gagged! My friend went away to a boarding school, I left home. I was alone. I met an older man and moved in with him. I was married at 15. He said jump and I said how high? I was what I thought was happy. I had a place to live and someone to take care of me. I stayed in school and did well. Then the bottom seemed to fall out. It all seemed to change. He became controlling. I was fragile. I could not give him what thought he wanted. I became anorexic. He judged my weight and I wanted to please him. I ate little if at all. I dropped out of school to work harder and earn more money to support us. I lost an immense amount of weight. I drank and smoked, my hibernating self now starved. I wanted so much to just kill it and feel nothing. Take my inner self out and cut it up and watch it die. To be free of the voice that kept telling me to live and grow and change. I did not want to. I wanted to be in hibernation and forget that people hurt each other. That they hurt ME! I wanted out man! Well that is not what happened. HE left me and we got a divorce. I survived! I got healthy. I still drank and smoked and well hell it was the eighty's so figure it out...I was a bad girl. You name it and I tried it. Any escape. Hibernation helpers! I then lived on my own for a while. Not good for me at all! I am no good on my own, or was not then at least. I met a good guy and we lived together for 3 years. I got pregnant! My inner voice called out " I am still here and we can do this." I had a baby boy and my inner self knew I would love this child and protect him from the world. I married and we moved out of town. My inner self began to grow with the love I felt for my son. I stopped being so angry and learned to give of my self. He needed me. I needed him. I was a model mother and wife. Clean house happy baby happy husband and I could do it all. Baby, husband, home, garden, work and friends. I reconnected with my parents...Only to find they had not changed. I slipped backward. Fear and confusion rained down. I tried to show my husband that I was normal too. That was a total lie. I was not, in fact far from it. He had never met any one like me, his family was nice and normal if there is such a thing. I wanted to show him I could be like that too. What a huge game I played..Big fat liar face.I knew I was playing with danger and I was going to pay for it. When my second baby came I was so happy. More babies more love. Me with a baby in my arms is a blissful me ! I saw my parents on brief occasion.s. I tried to have the most control over the situations. I really knew I had none. On one occasion my mother was in full swing. She was agitated and slapped my baby. I Got my kids and left. I called later and told my father I was done playing house and that they where never to see me or my family again. Then I threw up! My inner self yelled out " thank you!" Memories flooded my head and the stuffing began. I ate and ate and ate. I cried all night and slept when the kids took a nap. I fell away deeper in my hibernation state. Soon after my younger son was diagnosed with severe autism at the age of 2. I ate and ate and ate. I padded myself to the pain of failure. It was somehow my fault. I came home and fell apart. For one night I fell hard. Lost all control of what was left of me. The next day I did research and learned all I could about how to help my son. I began the work of saving him. My self redemption. I worked hard to give him a chance. It took up my time...No time to think of me or what I needed. That is how I liked it. I educated the school system and the community and worked with a local agency to invoke even more change. My marriage slipped . It was hard on my husband. He did not want to deal with agencies or the school and I had become the expert. It was all on me and I had asked for it. I knew I had taken over and yet I hated him for not participating. As time rolled on we drifted further apart. I took a job with a local mental health agency and became a workaholic. I did it all. Kids, school meetings, home meetings with care providers, cleaned, cooked, doctors, job, what friends I had left, garden, pets and what was left went to my husband. No me! Eat, eat, eat, work, work work! Run, run as fast as you can no time to grow just do what's at hand!

The powers that be said stop. I had a pulmonary embolism. Oh I stopped! My inner voice said. "Please I do not want to die I never got to live, I want to grow and be happy!" I said shut up and worked from the hospital room. With out a skip. I almost saw my own end and did not listen.I was in ICU for a week. I worked. I was running so fast I could not, would not; stop. Nothing could stop me.I had to run ya see I was running from the most scary thing ever...me!
I got out of the hospital and went back to my crazy life.FULL SPEED!
At least for 2 years. Then I got a call...my brother...my mother was going to die and wanted to see me. It had been 8 years since I last saw the parents. I shook. I thew up. I drove alone to the hospital in the middle of the night. Scared witless. I stopped at least 3 times to get sick on the side of the road. But, I made it. Long story short I was with my mother and family and it was a circus and she died at last. But, just before she died we were alone and I forgave her. I reached in side deep and truly forgave her. I set her free. She did ask me to do one small thing, take care of my father. I could not as hard as I tried refuse her. I still wanted her love and acceptance.

Now I was to care for my abuser!

I think at this point I have to stop. I am feeling so much as I write this and I need to believe it or not take time for myself to deal with my feelings. I will pick up again tomorrow. I want you to know that I am telling this story of my life not to give you a oh that poor woman feeling. Not at all I want you to know and to see that I am in no way a victim. I am a survivor. All of me my whole person. I am here and I am growing! I hope to show you that anyone can grow and change. We all can no matter what we came from.No matter how long it takes us to resolve our stuff.

We all can grow, if we chose to!

1 comment:

C. said...

I really like your blog. It takes a lot of soul searching to do what you've been doing. I think a lot of people choose not to, because of fear. Fear of what they've been running, hiding from. It takes strength to finally look into that mirror. Live on.