Saturday, January 9, 2010

Live, grow , Change...or something like that...

Here I am again looking at this blank screen... In my last blog I said that this time I would tell ya all where I am in my life now. So here I go! First let me say that the blank screen is seriously intimidating. I had what I wanted to say in my head, well somewhat anyway and when I sat down to write I freaked out just a little. This is big for me. I mean I have kept so much in for so long and only my close friends truly know me. But now no more fronts just truth to you and myself! That is big man. Truly big! How many people will not only tell the truth to themselves let alone people they do not know. Here I go headfirst, deep breath and jumping in.

I am 40. I live in a small town in the Adirondack Mountains where every one seems to know every one. My family situation is strange to most. I have 2 children who are both boys.My oldest is 18 and in collage. My youngest is 15 and has autism. Both are kind and loving.My youngest child is severely autistic. This has been a challenge trust me. He is a wonderful boy. I do have a gift in him he has taught me many lessons. I think people feel bad for me and for him because of his disability. Well, I say how many parents can say their child will never lie,cheat,steal, hate or hurt anyone's feelings. I can say that! He is not capable of those things.

I am separated from my husband and will be getting a divorce. For the record I left him. We are still friends. We talk on the phone and see each other frequently. No, we will not get back together.We are better as friends. We agree that our kids are great!

When I say my family situation is strange I mean the family I grew up in. Both of my parents are dead and have been for several years. I am one of 10 children. Yup 10! I am the baby. I never talk to my 5 brothers of 4 sisters. We have never been close. Our family was a yours, mine, and ours deal. My Mother was married before she married my Father and she had 3 children. My Father had 5 children from his first marriage and together had 2 more. Breeders! I know we all have our own memories in families. Mine are never good. I did not know most of my siblings and those I do know I do not know well. So I have made my own family out of my friends. I say you can chose your family.Hell I did and I am better for it. I will get into my childhood hell in another blog. Needless to say it did shape who I am for better or worse. I am strong because of it and I survived.That is important. But another blog another day.

I have just and by just I mean in the last 3 years started to like me.It took a big kick in my ass by the powers that be to wake me up from my strange hibernation. That is the word I think sums it up, hibernation. I will explain this state of being in my future blogs so that you will understand.

I am, at this point less of a women and more of a woman at the same time.. Boy now that warrants immediate explanation! So here you are.I had cancer. I had my uterus, cervix and both ovaries removed. Like that was not enough I just had a double mastectomy with reconstruction. By the way I love the new small boobs... They rock.I was a D cup and now;well an A cup... My back is great and no bra ever again! I am at this time cancer free!!!! I did not have breast cancer. It was shaky but all the tissue was fine. I had to cry for a few days until I got the pathology but, so what! In the end I was home free.
So they took what was considered all the womanly things away and I can say that is not what made me a woman. Strange right? I feel more sexy and secure in my gender then I ever did before. Maybe being older and wiser has something to do with it. Being 40 and at my supposed sexual peek.Isn't that what they say.Peeking aside here, I like the new me. Cancer was the eye opener in my life.The me I like now is a person who takes time to listen to the inner voice. Learn from what I experience. Grow from every interaction and self awareness and change my view about myself the world my own self depreciating inner voice and who I want to become.I am a survivor of life! Not a victim of anything! I work on my childhood shit like we all do or should.I find my truth in myself.I work on that almost on a weekly if not daily basis. I work on alot of things like eating more healthy and taking better care of my body.Ok...This is a big one for me I have food issues.I love food. I love to cook and eat.I was a few years ago 269 pounds and have the photos to prove it. Now I am still overweight and fight not to slip back into fatty land. It is hard! I am chubby! At least 30 pounds overweight. Work, work, work...I hate to exercise. I will walk and do yoga.I just need more discipline to get on it and do it as a routine. Hard for me. I am not sure why... Workin on it.I wish I where taller and that would help, I am only 5 foot tall. If I where say 5 foot 5, I would be the right weight.HEEE,HAA. I am not going to grow so I guess I need to get my chubby self in gear here.

At this time I do not have a job. Ya see I was a program director at a mental health agency and was fired while I was in the hospital after surgery! 10 years of my life at that place and done just like that.I am thankful! Yup thankful! I was a workaholic. No time for family or myself or my friends.

I just bought a house! I was renovation woman and still work on what needs to be done as I can afford it. I love my house. I have lived here for 1 year. I know every nook and cranny. I love it.

So that is the basic who I am right now I think. I will get in to my hibernation and awakingning in my next blog. I hope you are hanging in there it gets way better. Trust me.Just hang in there with me. Although I can't show you a video of my life I can keep giving you small snapshots of it that will eventually give you the clear picture of it. I am doing it for better or worse. At least it's honest.

1 comment:

Debra said...

I've just begun to read this (you told me oldest to newest, so that's where I'm at) and already I'm, like, "yes!" and "me too!".
Oh, this is going to be fun. And good. very good. :)