Tuesday, September 14, 2010

falling down hard!

So, I have been in this fight with my own mind and body. I recently had a trauma in my life that took me back in to a deep and dark place. All of my past abuse came up and landed hard. I have experenced things that I never thought possible, physical pain and mental distress. The truth here kids, I am scared! Yup me! Scared!
My physical body is a stranger to me right now. I am having what is called body memories. Strange stuff! I feel the pain as if I am being abused all over again. My body hurts as if I have been raped. I feel beaten and bruised.
My mind is in full on panic and fear mode. All of my senses are on high alert. I am in fight or flight mode. I have never felt anxiety like this. I never as an adult had an issue with this. Now it overwhelms me day and night. I have to medicate mt self to sleep and still I wake up feeling trapped and smell my abuser. I feel like my mind is now my enemy, my body the victim all over again.
I have to tell you that I was truly scared. I am truly scared. Yet I know I will be able to move past even this. I will learn and grow from this too. I have had the hardest time and continue to struggle to get through each day. But, I will grow, learn and yes....change! There is not a choice!
I will be honest I also have had friends who are supporting me and helping me find my way. Thank you for them in my life God or who ever you are! My inner voice right now is untrustworthy. I will keep moving torts hope!

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