Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Still at it!
Ya ever find that it is just too easy to judge others. Easy to see there faults and weaknesses. We think that we know our own just as well. But on closer inspection we realize that we do the same things that they do for the same reasons. Fear, loneliness, anger and self preservation. I am sure that it is all part of our instinctual will to survive. But when you strip away that witch you think you know about your self and go on what you truly know it changes the game of life up completely.When we list the reasons that we do things it can be astonishing how selfish we truly are. For someone like me however it is a struggle to be selfish. Yup I am a give till it fucking hurts kind of girl.I look at the reason why I do the things I do and more often then not it is to be excepted and loved by others. Not to get what I need or to help my situation in life but to have others care about me and love me. I seek the family I never had and fear being alone. BIG realization on my part. Inner voice screaming at the top of it's lungs, you need to be loved here!!! Well I know me better then anyone. I self analyze every thing I do and say. It is my way to be honest with my inner voice and the world. I know I need acceptance and love but I also know that it come many times with a price. So in knowing that I am choosing to love myself and fill the void. This is harder then it sound. To truly love your self is hard. I have a difficult time not hearing my parents voices ringing in my ears telling me what a loser I am. How I will never amount to anything, that I am fat and stupid. After all these years there voices ring in my head like a part of my brain absorbed it and regurgitates it when a certain word is said or when an emotion is felt. I fight against it and give some positive self affirmation. Strange how they are dead and now there stain is still in the fabric of my mind. Some fucking spot remover over here please!!! So I meditate and clear my mind. I sit until my chubby butt goes numb and I clear away all of the cobwebs and start fresh. I sit and thank God for all have have and all I wish to be. I clean my spiritual plate and start fresh everyday. As soon as I get off the floor I say, " begin again with honest intention and love for myself and others, I will give my best today!" And I do. Now I am not perfect, oh trust me here that would be funny if ya knew me! I indulge in sugar, and fat and alcohol and cigarettes. I have addictions and I bitch about the state of the world. I get angry with others who act on the behalf of stupidity. I am far from perfect!!! I just try to be a better person every day! After all I know that life is a gift. I have survived hell and I know what I do not want. It is however hard for me to find what I do want. It is not a thing or a place but a feeling. I seek to feel full and I am unsure what I am hungry for. I want to help others and know I am making a difference, I want my life to count. I want to change how others view themselves and interact with themselves. I want to help others let go move on and change for the better. I once had a doctor who saw my childhood medical chart ask me how I survived. At the time I was just angry that I slipped through the cracks. Later I thought about it. I had survived and just lived, but, survived. I grew and was not a victim.I used what I had been through to make me more aware of my soul and its needs. I sought my own truth and path. I did not give up. I am here! I let go of the pain and deal with the memories.i listen to my inner voice and I seek happiness. That is what I want to give to others! My inner voice is leading the way. What will I do next? I am still growing and learning so I guess I will find my answers.