Oh time to work it!!

Ok, ok! I hear you! My inner voice is screaming at me, giving me directions. As per usual. I ignored it until I could not stand it any longer. I do know whats best f0r me and how to make it work in my life. But, hell it is so much easier to ignore it and do what feels good in the moment instead of taking the path that I know will be work.I like you I am sure hate work. I like easy. At least I admit it! I quietly give myself the speech that a friend has given many times to others and one that her mother gave to her. The good life just does not happen you have to work for it, no one hands you everything that you want and then come in and takes care of all you problems. The good life has a price. It means doing the dishes and cleaning the floors. No one will just do it for you. No one takes care of your problems it is up to you to make life good for yourself! No one will take care of your soul, not even God. He gave it to you along with free will and it is up to each of us to work at it and make it better, more en-lighted! Sooo I say why oh why is it that I know all of that and still I struggle with the inherent lazy. I know what I need and what is good for me now I have to kick my own ass and DO IT!!!!! Ha, ha..... I am on it! Look out baby I am on my way ! Working on the me here look out people!! Step aside!!!!

I don't not anymore!

I would say on any given day that most of us struggle with ourselves to do what is good for us. We try hard to eat well and get our rest. We work hard on our issues with ourselves and others.We try to teach our children to do the right things.More often then not we get stuck in situations and relationships that are not good for us and for whatever reason we are willing to stay and suffer for the sake of the children. At least that is what we tell ourselves and others. The truth...we are afraid to upset and disrupt status qua. We do not want to feel pain or cause others pain. We definitely do not want to hurt our children. Wow I have been there!!! Oh man have I been there! Now I look back on it and I remember my inner self feeling as if it could die. Trapped and unhappy. Knowing that my marriage was truly over and staying because I did not want to cause my children or my husband pain. Some stupid reason I thought if I was the only one feeling the pain it was ok. Wow... stupid! I wasted years of my life and yes I am sure that my son knew I was unhappy but did not know why. I Worked myself into the ground to avoid my life. I lost soooo much time being unhappy and for what ? I just prolonged the inevitable. I put myself last. FUCK that life is too short and we all deserve the chance to be happy. All of us. There is no prize for being the one who suffers. There is no reward in heaven for suffering unhappiness! If ya think the kids don't know ... come on they know. All you are doing is showing them what a marriage is NOT supposed to be.Years from now they will be in therapy and say they have there relationship issues because of you and the bad example you gave them. To love is not to suffer!!!! TRUST ME! If your inner voice says ...hey I am unhappy and I want more then this, I need to be loved and to give love to someone who will not hurt me...LISTEN! Your inner voice, your gut feeling is there for a reason for you to listen to it. If your child sees you happy and fulfilled, well balanced and healthy, they will strive to be so as well and if you show them a good relationship they will also emulate that. They will not settle for dysfunctional and unhappy in there lives. Now, I am a romantic at heart and I must say if you are with the wrong person you may miss out one the right person. Your other half could be out there looking for you and your stuck with not being able to change your unhappy dysfunctional relationship as they walk right past you!
Now do you think that's truly the way to go here? Think about it really hard! You have one life and one chance to do what is right for you and your children. Don't fuck it up, don't fuck them up. Yes, it is hard to get a divorce and do the whole custody thing, but what do you really want to tech your children in life? Listen to your inner voice it will never lie to you!!!!! Live, grow and change!

Still at it!

Ya ever find that it is just too easy to judge others. Easy to see there faults and weaknesses. We think that we know our own just as well. But on closer inspection we realize that we do the same things that they do for the same reasons. Fear, loneliness, anger and self preservation. I am sure that it is all part of our instinctual will to survive. But when you strip away that witch you think you know about your self and go on what you truly know it changes the game of life up completely.When we list the reasons that we do things it can be astonishing how selfish we truly are. For someone like me however it is a struggle to be selfish. Yup I am a give till it fucking hurts kind of girl.I look at the reason why I do the things I do and more often then not it is to be excepted and loved by others. Not to get what I need or to help my situation in life but to have others care about me and love me. I seek the family I never had and fear being alone. BIG realization on my part. Inner voice screaming at the top of it's lungs, you need to be loved here!!! Well I know me better then anyone. I self analyze every thing I do and say. It is my way to be honest with my inner voice and the world. I know I need acceptance and love but I also know that it come many times with a price. So in knowing that I am choosing to love myself and fill the void. This is harder then it sound. To truly love your self is hard. I have a difficult time not hearing my parents voices ringing in my ears telling me what a loser I am. How I will never amount to anything, that I am fat and stupid. After all these years there voices ring in my head like a part of my brain absorbed it and regurgitates it when a certain word is said or when an emotion is felt. I fight against it and give some positive self affirmation. Strange how they are dead and now there stain is still in the fabric of my mind. Some fucking spot remover over here please!!! So I meditate and clear my mind. I sit until my chubby butt goes numb and I clear away all of the cobwebs and start fresh. I sit and thank God for all have have and all I wish to be. I clean my spiritual plate and start fresh everyday. As soon as I get off the floor I say, " begin again with honest intention and love for myself and others, I will give my best today!" And I do. Now I am not perfect, oh trust me here that would be funny if ya knew me! I indulge in sugar, and fat and alcohol and cigarettes. I have addictions and I bitch about the state of the world. I get angry with others who act on the behalf of stupidity. I am far from perfect!!! I just try to be a better person every day! After all I know that life is a gift. I have survived hell and I know what I do not want. It is however hard for me to find what I do want. It is not a thing or a place but a feeling. I seek to feel full and I am unsure what I am hungry for. I want to help others and know I am making a difference, I want my life to count. I want to change how others view themselves and interact with themselves. I want to help others let go move on and change for the better. I once had a doctor who saw my childhood medical chart ask me how I survived. At the time I was just angry that I slipped through the cracks. Later I thought about it. I had survived and just lived, but, survived. I grew and was not a victim.I used what I had been through to make me more aware of my soul and its needs. I sought my own truth and path. I did not give up. I am here! I let go of the pain and deal with the memories.i listen to my inner voice and I seek happiness. That is what I want to give to others! My inner voice is leading the way. What will I do next? I am still growing and learning so I guess I will find my answers.

My friend...the brave!

Well, on the road of life, change and growth she goes! My Best friend in the world seance I was 5, is heading out on her life's changing quest! To find out what she wants and needs out of her life and what direction it will take next. Brave! I think that is the word that comes to mind every time I contemplate her plan of action in this time of our lives. Just, brave. She is going away to be alone and look inward. Away to unknown destinations, just getting in her car and going! Changing and growing finding out what she wants from herself and the world. Now, I am sad that my friend will not be here with me in our small town, sitting on her kitchen with me solving all of the problems of the world or sharing a smile and giggle over tea. I worry that she will be sad or have a hard time all alone in the middle of god knows where, but I hugged her goodbye and sent her off with all of my love. I know the trip she is taking and how we all come to a place in our lives when we want more for ourselves and the world around us. Most people will just except where they are and close there eyes to it. While others run from it by putting there heads in the sand and and will not even acknowledge it. To see that a life change is needed and looking away is, giving up or giving in to what we think we are supposed to do. There are those who will not just gel in the mold, they break it! Mold breakers tend to hang together and inspire others to take the same mold breaking chances. Yup, change is infectious.
Now , back to my friend. She is one of the most level headed gals ya will ever meet. So she sees this as a matter of fact kind of thing. No, she does not realize most people would shit themselves at the thought of running to themselves all alone in the big cruel world! Hell most people would never just get in a car and drive with out a plan and a set destination. Funny when you think about it right! Well after all we would not be here if someone didn't take a risky trip across the pond.We all descended from explorers in one way or another. Yet, we find ourselves never leaving the state we grew up in. And never mind the idea of travel into our own souls, digging deep for our answers. That trip is even harder. So now you can see why I love and admire my friend, and why the word is brave! That is who she is, just brave! I wish you well friend. My heart goes with you as does my admiration. Go and find what you need to feed your soul and sing sweetly of it. Grab life and suck the marrow out of it. You are gifted in so many ways. Look inward and drive onward, you my friend rock!!! I will be here when you come home and I will have done my own trip inward, hell we will have a lot to share in that kitchen of yours next we meet and tea may not be enough! I will bring the wine!!!
Now to the rest of you! Come on kidz if change is infectious and growth is the goal, what the hell is holding ya back??? Yer not chicken are ya? Find that inner voice and listen just once, it could change you forever. Be brave!

Ya thought you knew me

Ok so ya thought ya knew me! You are shocked by what you have read here. I am raw and open about things that most people hide from.I have hidden my whole life, run from it all and now I have no reason to hide. I am who I am! I have no reason not to tell. I am a sum of all of my parts, present and past experiences. I share what I can. There is still so much I can not. I generalize and stay away from most painful detail's. I have had many write to me and say that they are floored by what I write and how they think I am both brave and crazy for sharing so much. Well, kidz I think it took me more to hide it all these years then it takes me now to share it. So you thought you knew me? Here is a truth, we never really know anyone! You never know anyone's true past or memories of there past.We never know what people are thinking or feeling. Behind closed door lives happen that we have no idea about! I have come to learn that only when I opened my door have others come to me and opened there's! Huge deal!!! People are more open to me then ever! I have heard about peoples lives and there true feeling. All I did was open my doors! People who I went to school with have come to know me through this blog and are sharing there stories with me!!! WOW!!! This is big. I have heard from many of you on my face book messages and I am pleased to say that I love your opinions and your stories, I love getting to know you. The real you! That is what I am all about! Now I have gotten one or two asking me if I am crazy to share so much in a blog spot that any one can read. To you I say I have not one thing to hide or anyone to hide from. I am who I am! Open and FREE!!! I welcome all responses!!! Good, bad, and indifferent!I want them all of them! Keep it up. Respond and leave comment here or on Face book! Become a fan of the blog and read on and on! I can tell ya brother it is just about to get crazy here.So keep checkin in on it! I am just getting started. I am growing and changing right here with you!!!

Lay it down, lay your burden down.

Lay your burden down!Well that's what I do here. I lay it down. I have dealt with my fears and pain and I survive. I give it up, lay it down and hope that my words and my story are meaningful to you in some way. Get what ya can from it. Grow and learn about your self here. That is my hope for you. I sat in myself and felt the old feelings of self doubt. I remind myself that I am never alone and that I have run a long and hard road to end up here. Sitting in my soul looking at my past and contemplating my future. My inner voice is now just my voice. My past is just my past and my future has endless possibilities. Bound only by the constraints of time. I have said it so many times, " I do not know what I want to be when I grow up." Well my best friend reminds me we are grown up! Ugh! I know we are but somehow I had one life already, I was the mother and wife, workaholic and professional.I had that life. I was the grown up, what I never had was a childhood! I give in to childish things now that I could never do before.So this is my second time around in one life time and I know I need to decide on what to do to take care of myself. Money really does not grow on fucking trees my Grandmother was right! I have looked on the internet and not seen one so far! Ha, ha,ha! So now what? No shit I have to grow up! Get a job and I will only do a job if it has meaning and is feeding my soul!I want to help other to move forward and learn to grow. I have not done all this work to get to where I am to keep it to myself! That is why I do this blog and why I am so open with others, I want to help them become survivors and meet there best self. To help them to find there inner voice and let it yell out to the world!! Well, I am working on it and walking my path. We will see.... Until then I blog and do odd jobs for cash! All that is supposed to happen will and in the time frame that it should!I have faith in the powers that be!

Now, I know that time is my constraint! Shit I am after all the big 40 and I guess that climbing Everest is not in my ability at this moment. I am in shitty shape, I do work on it but; hell food taste so good and I hate to exercise! More wine please... one more glass of course!! Ya know the drill to much of a good thing and I grow another ass! I am working on it!!! Do not judge me man! I said I am working on it! So I find myself looking at the time that seems to be flying by so fast now I lose track of the days and months.And no I do not have Alzheimer's!I just know time move quicker the older ya get. I want to push to do all those things I want to do and dream of completing before my time runs out! I am working on it. I will do my best. All to be happy and healthy and grow as a person. And oh yes to help you grow too. Despite what you think you have to deal with. We can all grow and gain freedom from our emotional pain and trauma. Trust me .... I know!!! But you have to want to try and be ready to move forward. Read, learn and leave a comment. Let me know what you think and if I am helping in some way. And even tell me if I am not! I can take it I am a big girl....Grown I mean, not fat!

When I step away I still pray

Families defiantly are the most complex and sometimes the most difficult relationships we will ever have. I know from experience.No one in my family is close, the have strange distant communications. No real working out our childhood together kind of stuff going on. Much like acquaintances and not like a family at all. No one really knows anyone. I am distant from all of them. They never call or stop by. Nor would I welcome that. It sound cold, I assure you it is self preservation! I also have to tell you that I have one brother who is one year older then me who is pervasively mentally ill. He has schizophrenia. I have done what I could to help him in the past. He moved in with me at a point and it ended with him beating me and me losing a pregnancy at 3and a half months. For a long time he had a case manager with adult protective services who made sure he would go to get his get his shot on a regular basis. It help my brother to maintain in the here and now and function to take care of himself. Recently he lost his case worker and has refused his medication. He is dirty and steeling food. He sits on the sidewalk and yells at people who are not really there. He scares those who are there and and is pulled apart from any friends he once had. The law is in his favor. Mental health laws are built to protect him and his choices. He can not be forced to take medication. Not unless he commits a violent crime or is declared incompetent in the eyes of the law. This is all harder then it sounds. Because he can feed and dress himself and is not homeless or penniless he is seen as legally competent. He does receive Social security Benefits so he has money. His rent is paid automatically and that cover heat and electricity all in one. He spends the rest on beer or gives it away it is even stolen from him as he is an easy mark for predators. I feel for him and wish the system would help him. I can not step in, and if I did there is no way I could change his path. Unless he is charged and remanded to treatment against his will, his life will continue on a path of destruction. I fear that he will kill someone and I pry that he will kill himself. He should be released from his torment. It may be a awful thing to say and please don't send me hate email! It is my honest feelings. Raw and real and is that not what my blog has been? I don't hold back here people! So just stop reading if it bothers you or if you think I am a bad person. I will not be hurt by that. My brother is tortured in his thoughts ever day and has been for years. He has been in hell thinking that the voices in his head are in control of him and thinking that they are aliens that put an implant in his head and are controlling him. You try living that life! Hell on earth nothing less! So yes I wish he where at peace and out of misery. Call me kooky! Death would be a gift to him and I do think there is an after life and that he would not be judged for taking his own life. My fear here is that he would take the life of a random stranger. That stranger may have family and friends and children. I would hold that in my mind the rest of my life and never forgive him for such an act. You may think because he is mentally ill and not in control that I should forgive him for such an act. NO fucking way man! The choice was his not to take the medication! He know he is ill and he knew full well what would happen if he stopped the meds, that is a choice. I may seem harsh, but; remember I used to work in mental health I know the reality of where he is a. I am not unfeeling here. I am just a realist.No rose colored glasses for me thank you so much anyway! I wish deep in my heart that he would be the same boy I knew as a child. I wish we were close and shared our lives. That is only a wish. He can not be a part of my life because he is dangerous! I do what I can through the system and that is all I am willing to do. I pray for him and I hope for the best. I did have an older half brother who was also schizophrenic and he hung himself on a Christmas morning. I never really knew him, I only met him once. I have only a memory of the look in his eyes. It was the same look of fear and confusion, mixed with desperation. So many people I am sure can relate to where I am at with this situation and for us it is always a rock and a hard place kind of feeling. It is easy for others to judge because they are not in our shoes.When and if you see my brother the best thing you could do is cross the street and pray for him. Know his "rights" protect him and not you, and thank God that you are not him. Mental illness is more prevalent then any physical illness and treatment is always a guess. The human brain is a mystery to the medical profession.Laws have been created that will protect him from being forced to get treatment.This is his choice!!!