Been a long time and life has had it's turns!

Well it has been some time! Last I was here things in my life seemed ok. But, truth be told they in fact were not. I was struggling at best. That struggle led me to a serious fork in the road. My eating disorder took over after I found my boyfriend cheating and lying.I feel apart to say the least! A complete mental break. I found my way to rehab with support of my best friend. She saved my life! I am now working my way back to a good life. With the help of my best friend a great counselor and my new girlfriend whom I love vary much. Ok yes I do mean girlfriend as in I am in a gay relationship. We love each other and she is the best person I could have ever found to share my life with. Great soul and kind heart.
I am still working on the effects of my abuse from my childhood, and my eating disorder but...I am working on it not dismissing it or pretending that I do not have issues. Hell, we all have issues! If ya say you don't you are a lair! A big fat ball of denial and a liar! I am just more willing then most to share what I feel openly and honestly.
So I will listen to my inner voice that yells at me daily and I will again begin my blogging. Hope you are ready for some hard truths from me, cause boy do I got some for ya!

falling down hard!

So, I have been in this fight with my own mind and body. I recently had a trauma in my life that took me back in to a deep and dark place. All of my past abuse came up and landed hard. I have experenced things that I never thought possible, physical pain and mental distress. The truth here kids, I am scared! Yup me! Scared!
My physical body is a stranger to me right now. I am having what is called body memories. Strange stuff! I feel the pain as if I am being abused all over again. My body hurts as if I have been raped. I feel beaten and bruised.
My mind is in full on panic and fear mode. All of my senses are on high alert. I am in fight or flight mode. I have never felt anxiety like this. I never as an adult had an issue with this. Now it overwhelms me day and night. I have to medicate mt self to sleep and still I wake up feeling trapped and smell my abuser. I feel like my mind is now my enemy, my body the victim all over again.
I have to tell you that I was truly scared. I am truly scared. Yet I know I will be able to move past even this. I will learn and grow from this too. I have had the hardest time and continue to struggle to get through each day. But, I will grow, learn and yes....change! There is not a choice!
I will be honest I also have had friends who are supporting me and helping me find my way. Thank you for them in my life God or who ever you are! My inner voice right now is untrustworthy. I will keep moving torts hope!

Oh time to work it!!

Ok, ok! I hear you! My inner voice is screaming at me, giving me directions. As per usual. I ignored it until I could not stand it any longer. I do know whats best f0r me and how to make it work in my life. But, hell it is so much easier to ignore it and do what feels good in the moment instead of taking the path that I know will be work.I like you I am sure hate work. I like easy. At least I admit it! I quietly give myself the speech that a friend has given many times to others and one that her mother gave to her. The good life just does not happen you have to work for it, no one hands you everything that you want and then come in and takes care of all you problems. The good life has a price. It means doing the dishes and cleaning the floors. No one will just do it for you. No one takes care of your problems it is up to you to make life good for yourself! No one will take care of your soul, not even God. He gave it to you along with free will and it is up to each of us to work at it and make it better, more en-lighted! Sooo I say why oh why is it that I know all of that and still I struggle with the inherent lazy. I know what I need and what is good for me now I have to kick my own ass and DO IT!!!!! Ha, ha..... I am on it! Look out baby I am on my way ! Working on the me here look out people!! Step aside!!!!

I don't not anymore!

I would say on any given day that most of us struggle with ourselves to do what is good for us. We try hard to eat well and get our rest. We work hard on our issues with ourselves and others.We try to teach our children to do the right things.More often then not we get stuck in situations and relationships that are not good for us and for whatever reason we are willing to stay and suffer for the sake of the children. At least that is what we tell ourselves and others. The truth...we are afraid to upset and disrupt status qua. We do not want to feel pain or cause others pain. We definitely do not want to hurt our children. Wow I have been there!!! Oh man have I been there! Now I look back on it and I remember my inner self feeling as if it could die. Trapped and unhappy. Knowing that my marriage was truly over and staying because I did not want to cause my children or my husband pain. Some stupid reason I thought if I was the only one feeling the pain it was ok. Wow... stupid! I wasted years of my life and yes I am sure that my son knew I was unhappy but did not know why. I Worked myself into the ground to avoid my life. I lost soooo much time being unhappy and for what ? I just prolonged the inevitable. I put myself last. FUCK that life is too short and we all deserve the chance to be happy. All of us. There is no prize for being the one who suffers. There is no reward in heaven for suffering unhappiness! If ya think the kids don't know ... come on they know. All you are doing is showing them what a marriage is NOT supposed to be.Years from now they will be in therapy and say they have there relationship issues because of you and the bad example you gave them. To love is not to suffer!!!! TRUST ME! If your inner voice says ...hey I am unhappy and I want more then this, I need to be loved and to give love to someone who will not hurt me...LISTEN! Your inner voice, your gut feeling is there for a reason for you to listen to it. If your child sees you happy and fulfilled, well balanced and healthy, they will strive to be so as well and if you show them a good relationship they will also emulate that. They will not settle for dysfunctional and unhappy in there lives. Now, I am a romantic at heart and I must say if you are with the wrong person you may miss out one the right person. Your other half could be out there looking for you and your stuck with not being able to change your unhappy dysfunctional relationship as they walk right past you!
Now do you think that's truly the way to go here? Think about it really hard! You have one life and one chance to do what is right for you and your children. Don't fuck it up, don't fuck them up. Yes, it is hard to get a divorce and do the whole custody thing, but what do you really want to tech your children in life? Listen to your inner voice it will never lie to you!!!!! Live, grow and change!

Still at it!

Ya ever find that it is just too easy to judge others. Easy to see there faults and weaknesses. We think that we know our own just as well. But on closer inspection we realize that we do the same things that they do for the same reasons. Fear, loneliness, anger and self preservation. I am sure that it is all part of our instinctual will to survive. But when you strip away that witch you think you know about your self and go on what you truly know it changes the game of life up completely.When we list the reasons that we do things it can be astonishing how selfish we truly are. For someone like me however it is a struggle to be selfish. Yup I am a give till it fucking hurts kind of girl.I look at the reason why I do the things I do and more often then not it is to be excepted and loved by others. Not to get what I need or to help my situation in life but to have others care about me and love me. I seek the family I never had and fear being alone. BIG realization on my part. Inner voice screaming at the top of it's lungs, you need to be loved here!!! Well I know me better then anyone. I self analyze every thing I do and say. It is my way to be honest with my inner voice and the world. I know I need acceptance and love but I also know that it come many times with a price. So in knowing that I am choosing to love myself and fill the void. This is harder then it sound. To truly love your self is hard. I have a difficult time not hearing my parents voices ringing in my ears telling me what a loser I am. How I will never amount to anything, that I am fat and stupid. After all these years there voices ring in my head like a part of my brain absorbed it and regurgitates it when a certain word is said or when an emotion is felt. I fight against it and give some positive self affirmation. Strange how they are dead and now there stain is still in the fabric of my mind. Some fucking spot remover over here please!!! So I meditate and clear my mind. I sit until my chubby butt goes numb and I clear away all of the cobwebs and start fresh. I sit and thank God for all have have and all I wish to be. I clean my spiritual plate and start fresh everyday. As soon as I get off the floor I say, " begin again with honest intention and love for myself and others, I will give my best today!" And I do. Now I am not perfect, oh trust me here that would be funny if ya knew me! I indulge in sugar, and fat and alcohol and cigarettes. I have addictions and I bitch about the state of the world. I get angry with others who act on the behalf of stupidity. I am far from perfect!!! I just try to be a better person every day! After all I know that life is a gift. I have survived hell and I know what I do not want. It is however hard for me to find what I do want. It is not a thing or a place but a feeling. I seek to feel full and I am unsure what I am hungry for. I want to help others and know I am making a difference, I want my life to count. I want to change how others view themselves and interact with themselves. I want to help others let go move on and change for the better. I once had a doctor who saw my childhood medical chart ask me how I survived. At the time I was just angry that I slipped through the cracks. Later I thought about it. I had survived and just lived, but, survived. I grew and was not a victim.I used what I had been through to make me more aware of my soul and its needs. I sought my own truth and path. I did not give up. I am here! I let go of the pain and deal with the memories.i listen to my inner voice and I seek happiness. That is what I want to give to others! My inner voice is leading the way. What will I do next? I am still growing and learning so I guess I will find my answers.

My friend...the brave!

Well, on the road of life, change and growth she goes! My Best friend in the world seance I was 5, is heading out on her life's changing quest! To find out what she wants and needs out of her life and what direction it will take next. Brave! I think that is the word that comes to mind every time I contemplate her plan of action in this time of our lives. Just, brave. She is going away to be alone and look inward. Away to unknown destinations, just getting in her car and going! Changing and growing finding out what she wants from herself and the world. Now, I am sad that my friend will not be here with me in our small town, sitting on her kitchen with me solving all of the problems of the world or sharing a smile and giggle over tea. I worry that she will be sad or have a hard time all alone in the middle of god knows where, but I hugged her goodbye and sent her off with all of my love. I know the trip she is taking and how we all come to a place in our lives when we want more for ourselves and the world around us. Most people will just except where they are and close there eyes to it. While others run from it by putting there heads in the sand and and will not even acknowledge it. To see that a life change is needed and looking away is, giving up or giving in to what we think we are supposed to do. There are those who will not just gel in the mold, they break it! Mold breakers tend to hang together and inspire others to take the same mold breaking chances. Yup, change is infectious.
Now , back to my friend. She is one of the most level headed gals ya will ever meet. So she sees this as a matter of fact kind of thing. No, she does not realize most people would shit themselves at the thought of running to themselves all alone in the big cruel world! Hell most people would never just get in a car and drive with out a plan and a set destination. Funny when you think about it right! Well after all we would not be here if someone didn't take a risky trip across the pond.We all descended from explorers in one way or another. Yet, we find ourselves never leaving the state we grew up in. And never mind the idea of travel into our own souls, digging deep for our answers. That trip is even harder. So now you can see why I love and admire my friend, and why the word is brave! That is who she is, just brave! I wish you well friend. My heart goes with you as does my admiration. Go and find what you need to feed your soul and sing sweetly of it. Grab life and suck the marrow out of it. You are gifted in so many ways. Look inward and drive onward, you my friend rock!!! I will be here when you come home and I will have done my own trip inward, hell we will have a lot to share in that kitchen of yours next we meet and tea may not be enough! I will bring the wine!!!
Now to the rest of you! Come on kidz if change is infectious and growth is the goal, what the hell is holding ya back??? Yer not chicken are ya? Find that inner voice and listen just once, it could change you forever. Be brave!

Ya thought you knew me

Ok so ya thought ya knew me! You are shocked by what you have read here. I am raw and open about things that most people hide from.I have hidden my whole life, run from it all and now I have no reason to hide. I am who I am! I have no reason not to tell. I am a sum of all of my parts, present and past experiences. I share what I can. There is still so much I can not. I generalize and stay away from most painful detail's. I have had many write to me and say that they are floored by what I write and how they think I am both brave and crazy for sharing so much. Well, kidz I think it took me more to hide it all these years then it takes me now to share it. So you thought you knew me? Here is a truth, we never really know anyone! You never know anyone's true past or memories of there past.We never know what people are thinking or feeling. Behind closed door lives happen that we have no idea about! I have come to learn that only when I opened my door have others come to me and opened there's! Huge deal!!! People are more open to me then ever! I have heard about peoples lives and there true feeling. All I did was open my doors! People who I went to school with have come to know me through this blog and are sharing there stories with me!!! WOW!!! This is big. I have heard from many of you on my face book messages and I am pleased to say that I love your opinions and your stories, I love getting to know you. The real you! That is what I am all about! Now I have gotten one or two asking me if I am crazy to share so much in a blog spot that any one can read. To you I say I have not one thing to hide or anyone to hide from. I am who I am! Open and FREE!!! I welcome all responses!!! Good, bad, and indifferent!I want them all of them! Keep it up. Respond and leave comment here or on Face book! Become a fan of the blog and read on and on! I can tell ya brother it is just about to get crazy here.So keep checkin in on it! I am just getting started. I am growing and changing right here with you!!!